By: Chyna Yvonne
In the last week, some pretty peculiar things have popped up on my timeline.
Exhibit A: Stop Fingering Females. We don’t like that.
Exhibit B: Stop Sucking our titties. We don’t feel anything.
First and foremost, fuck respectability politics. I cannot recall who posted or reposted the aforementioned gems but I am incredibly thankful that we are finally having these conversations. While I recognize that the aforementioned does not apply to all of us, I know that it certainly applies to some of us. & I just want ya’ll to know: I’m here for it. ALL of it.
I had sex before I could even fathom the possibilities. I had sex because my friends were having sex. I had sex because high school boys said I was supposed to do. I had sex because my school thought that the best way to convince rebellious teenagers not to have sex was to show them pictures of STD’s. & Sure, mom and grandma talked to me about sex but understand? That “talk” didn’t proceed past “Don’t do it.”
Grandma: “You kiss a boy, you’re going to get pregnant.”
Mom: “If you have sex and get pregnant, I’m done. I won’t be the grandmother that granny was to you.”
Considering the above? I actually had no idea that sex could be pleasurable or that it was supposed to be. I had no idea what an orgasm was, how to induce one, or that I was SUPPOSED to have one. All I knew? My mom was pregnant at 17. My grandma was pregnant at 15. My great grandma wasn’t pregnant but had raised enough of everyone else’s babies to know the consequences. & My great great grandma was pregnant at 13. They were terrified of sex. Therefore? The fear of God was instilled in me too.
So. Off I went. Into the real world.
At 24? Eight years AFTER I had sex for the first time…a man FINALLY gave me an orgasm. & I had no idea what in the fuck was happening.
At 26? For the first time since I started having sex, a man asked me what I liked. When I wasn’t able to answer? Like literally wasn’t able to answer? I literally was like, “I don’t know…” and it was at that moment that I realized something wasn’t right. Until this point, no man had ever asked me what I liked or didn’t. Why is it that I didn’t even know how to communicate such? Ya’ll I don’t know what in the fuck but I’ve been hell bent on answering that question since.
When I saw exhibit a and b above? I was elated. I was like “You too sis? Me the fuck too.” WHY are you fingering me? I am not stimulated from it. I get nothing from it. It’s a waste of your time. It’s a waste of my time. & If anything? I am absolutely and positively annoyed by the end. I’ve never understood the fingering process but I thought it was something that just had to happen. So what did I do? For TEN years? I laid there. I tolerated it. Even when I didn’t even want sex? I just wanted a hug. I laid there. I tolerated it. & That was that. Sex was a duty and as expected? I served.
Now. Exhibit fucking B. Again? I can’t speak for ALL women BUT I can certainly speak for myself…
EXHIBIT B grinds my gears.
It is the most annoying thing ever. Honestly? It’s like someone who you don’t want to talk to tapping you over and over again to get your attention. It’s like being poked on FB repeatedly by someone who doesn’t stand a chance. It’s receiving those annoying game invites. It’s listening to a 6 week old baby cry on a 5 hour flight. It’s hearing mosquitos in your ear that you can’t see. It’s like flies being trapped in your blinds. EXHIBIT FUCKING B ya’ll…I do not like that shit. I have never liked that shit. If I told you I did? I lied.
You know what’s stimulating? The clitoris.
Not my Vagina lips. Not your random finger. Not your penis (if it doesn’t include foreplay)
You know what else is stimulating? An equal exchange of human emotion ( A post for a different day)
WHY am I sharing all of this? These are the conversations that we should have had. These are the conversations that I wish I felt comfortable enough to have. These are the conversations that I will absolutely and unapologetically have with my daughter AND my son. I’ve been walking around as a grown ass woman…having sex for the past ten years AND dreading it because of childish shit like exhibit a and exhibit b. This isn’t shade. This isn’t tea. & I’m not blaming anyone. Hell, I imagine if women can’t communicate what they like then men have no way of knowing. (Some probably genuinely don’t care…since sex was never about a woman’s pleasure to begin with) & yeah while I get it…it is no longer acceptable. Actually. It never was. & It will never again be plausible to engage in an activity that I don’t enjoy. Our bodies are our own. We have a say on who goes in them and who comes out. We don’t have to accept what we’ve been given anymore. We can finally have OPEN and HONEST conversations about what makes us feel good and what doesn’t.
I was denied that right in adolescence and I almost forfeited it in adulthood. Ten years of sex that did NOT make me feel good almost caused a complete detachment. It was forced. I was bored. I wasn’t happy. & At this very moment, I am just NOW realizing that in addition to childhood trauma? Ten years of fake sound effects and ego boosting references? That’s a trauma in itself. It’s time to ask a woman what she likes (if you do…I’m obviously not talking to you). Quit assuming you know.
Women deserve better.
All of that being said? This conversation is important and shoutout to the women who started it.